13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
These work great until they don’t.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?