Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Hey I worked for it too!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.