Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.