Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.