My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours