Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
This 4th of July, please remember…
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
*bites zombie*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.