Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.