Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.