Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
You Might Also Like
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
How it started: How it’s going:
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.