~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I love it all
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.