Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Writing, She Murdered.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”