Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice