Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock