Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
You Might Also Like
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
This sounds bad:
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*