I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not