Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die