*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
This is my bus stop.