I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.