ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
This made me smile…
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story