I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.