I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Wikigenius
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Only Americans understand
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.