People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
You Might Also Like
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
i want to work in this restaurant
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite