Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Does this dress make me look cat?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.