Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You Might Also Like
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive