“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.