DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
You Might Also Like
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
how to have an accident 101
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.