It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her