Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
This trial is so absurd 😭
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS