You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
🙀🙀🙀😹
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
#oldknees