I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
You Might Also Like
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY