Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?