Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me