A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!