Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
You Might Also Like
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
lmfao
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Hotels are back
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The French word for sex is croissant.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!