“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
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I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Don’t talk down to me
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.