As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
If only.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent