Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.