I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Choose your fighter