Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.