Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Pat is about to own someone
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K