Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You Might Also Like
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣