[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.