[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.