They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
No laws when master is gone
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.