Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Love is in the air fryer.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address