🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“I FIXED IT!”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now