When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.