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WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.