The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Dear Lord..
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
No, I don’t think I will.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio