John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Finally a use for spoilers…
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.